I have had 1 Peter 5:6-7 in my mind and heart for a few weeks.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
This scripture speaks so much to me. Sometimes we go through trials in life that hurt. You pray and call out to God, but it seems that he does not hear. You ask for a specific answer to your situation, but he allows something else to happen. What do you do? What do you when you don't get what you want, when you want it, and how you want it? Do you call out in anger and resentment? Do you get discouraged? Do you begin to doubt God's power?
Let me share a time in my life when my plan was definitely not God's plan. Three years into our marriage my husband and I had decided to start our family. In December of 2004 we discovered we were expecting. It was an easy 9 months with no morning sickness. I worked through my entire pregnancy. In August of 2005 we welcomed our son. Wow! That was easy. I can totally do that again! I thought all my pregnancies would be as my first.
When my son turned 1 year old, we decide to try for baby #2. I became pregnant and right away, and morning sickness (actually "all day" sickness) set in. Not fun at all. One afternoon at 14 weeks my water broke. I called my husband at work in a panic. He rushed home to take me to the hospital. I could not believe this was happening. I was at the hospital for a week hoping and praying for God to answer my prayer. By the end of the week, the baby had no heartbeat. I felt so broken. I felt discouraged. Leaving the hospital without a baby in my arms was so hard. I went home and went on with my days. I put on a smile to those around me, but inside I began to feel angry and resentful. I began to carry these anxieties with me and they were a heavy load to carry.
A few months later we decided to try again. Again, I became pregnant. We found out at 16 weeks we were have a baby girl! How exciting! Around 21 weeks, I began to feel a lot of pressure. I knew something was wrong. I went to see my doctor and she sent me to the hospital right away. I had begun to dilate! All the fears from my last miscarriage came over me like a wave. My husband met me at the hospital. As soon as he got there, he was told they were going to have to do an emergency C-section because the baby was coming. Everything happened so fast. I closed my eyes one second and opened them the next to find out my baby girl had been born and was in the NICU. She was tiny, only 1.13 pounds. My husband and I prayed and called out to God for her. We did that every day. It was so hard leaving the NICU every night. I hated leaving her there. Every time the phone rang, I was afraid it was the NICU with bad news. All I could think about was having her home and three months after her birth she came home a healthy baby girl. My heart was filled with joy when the hospital called to let us know she was released from the NICU.
God had blessed me with a son and a daughter, but I had planned to have a big family. That is what I wanted ever since I can remember. I do not know why I desired a large family, I just did. That was my plan. My husband was content with two, but he knew my desire, so we began to try again after my daughter had turned two years old. I became pregnant again. Morning sickness set in all day! Once again, trouble came. At 14 weeks I began to dilate. I was rushed to the hospital for a procedure that would help keep me from dilating further and try to keep me from going into labor. Despite everything we tried, I went into labor and I gave birth to a baby girl. She was beautiful. I held her in my arms and named her. She was so tiny. I felt helpless because I could not do anything for her. As I held her in my arms, I told her I was sorry and once again I went home without a baby. This was the moment that I began to build a wall around my heart. I was so broken. How could this happen? I cried out to God in anger. I could not understand why he had allowed this to happen.
See, we do this when we do not get the answer we want. We become like a child demanding what we want and throwing a tantrum when we do not get it. We lift up our tiny fist to God who is in control of all things. Instead of humbling ourselves under His Hand, we rebel and become angry and doubtful of His love for us. Instead of casting our cares to him, we carry the heavy burden that we were not meant to carry. The only way we can actually cast our cares to Him is if we humble ourselves during these trials. They work together. Without humility we can't let go of our anxieties. We want to carry them ourselves and that is a heavy burden.
After the loss of my baby girl, I struggled with depression and resentment. I had not let go of this pain. I carried it with me. No one knows what I was going through but my husband and God. I was not happy. I was so broken and felt let down.
My husband and I decided not to try anymore. That was hard for me. I desired a large family and it broke my heart that I could not. I remember telling my mom that I wanted another baby. Many times, during my drive home, I would just cry. It was a feeling I carried with me everywhere I went. Seeing other pregnant ladies just reminded me of my hurt. One day during a conversation with my mom I mentioned again that I wanted another baby. I will never forget what she said next. The simple words she spoke were as if God was speaking to me. "What more do you want? You have been blessed with a son and daughter. Have you forgotten that she is miracle? What more do you want?" As she was speaking these words, the wall that I had built around my heart began to crumble down. I humbled myself under God's might hand (His plan) and for the first time I was able to cast my hurt and anxieties to Him. I released everything thing I held on to, the heavy burden I carried for a long time, a burden I was not meant to carry on my own. I drove home with tears in my eyes, but this time for a different reason. I was grateful for the blessings I had. The blessings I had overlooked because I was so focused on a plan that I had. God will test you through your trial to build your faith. The enemy will tempt you through your trial to cause you to doubt God's plan.
I got home and asked God to forgive me for my stubbornness. I felt free for the first time in a long time. 1 Peter 5:6 also states that in due time, He will lift you up. Well, when my daughter turned 4 I found out I was pregnant. We were not even trying. In fact, according to science it does not add up that I would get pregnant. God's power overrules science any day of the week. Yes, I was fearful of going through the pain again, but I casted my fears to Him who cares about me. I did what I could and left the rest to God. I changed doctors and a procedure was done at 12 weeks to keep me from dilating early. Nine months later, we welcomed a baby girl. "In due time He will lift you up". At the just the right time, God will bless you.
I do not know if you may be going through something. I hope my story will give you hope. I pray that you will humble yourself under his plan, even if it hurts. Know that at just the right time He will come through. Understand that if you do not cast your cares to him and hold not to something that is not yours, you will miss out on his blessings. I may not have planned to go through everything I went through, but without a test, I would not have a testimony. Without a testimony I cannot help someone else going through their trial. My trial has purpose. It has made me stronger in my faith and I stand steadfast on Him who loves me. Trust God with your heart, even when it hurts.